in computer terms, a "thumbnail" is a small graphic that gives the user a chance to preview something before moving ahead. it's a nice feature, to be able to see how something will look before wasting paper printing it or wasting time opening the wrong document or wrong folder.
too bad life doesnt come with thumbnails.
i especially would have appreciated a thumbnail last Sunday morning that would have showed me what things would look like after i executed the next task i was about to undertake. had i seen a thumbnail ahead of time, it would have saved me from seeing my actual thumbnail sitting on my garage floor a few minutes later, separated from the rest of my thumb. (read the gory details in my previous post, below).
we all know that that's just the way life is. shit happens. we get no previews, in spite of how useful they would be and how much needless pain and suffering they would alleviate.
as i think about my life today in terms of how i'm trying to live out my faith in God, i'm struck by the faithlessness that's evident in how badly i crave some kind of spiritual thumbnail showing what's next for me. "give me a sign, God. just a little preview, ok?" we deceive ourselves into believing that seeing a preview would give us the courage and confidence we need to move forward in faith, when in reality seeing a preview would actually eliminate the faith that God wants to see us exercise. of course, the converse can also be true. sometimes if we did see a thumbnail of something beforehand, the harsh reality of what our future was going to look like would probably keep us from moving forward into something that God might really want for us and mean to be a blessing for us.
next month will mark two years since i stepped out of Healing Waters International, the non-profit that dana and i founded in 2002 to try and bring clean drinking water to people in underdeveloped countries. creating, nurturing and growing HWI over the six years i was involved with it was the most rewarding, satisfying and challenging thing i'd ever done in my life. starting HWI out of nothing required an incredible leap of faith on the front side, but the sacrifice had been well worth it, and the experience of having been involved in it was immensely fulfilling.
that being the case, i knew it wouldnt be easy to move on from HWI, but i had no idea how hard it was really going to be. leaving HWI was the most difficult thing i've ever done in my life, professionally or otherwise. if i'd seen a thumbnail ahead of time that showed how difficult it was going to be, i probably wouldnt have had the guts to go forward with it, even though i was quite certain that it was a move that God wanted me to make.
fast forward to today. i've spent the last two years working on a couple of writing projects and an even more ambitious home improvement project. on the home improvement side, we love how the improvements we've made to the fixer-upper we bought in Evergreen turned out, but not being able to sell our old house in Denver put an abrupt end to how far we could take the project. Although we've got great renters in our old house, we now have two mortgages and a substantial pile of home improvement debt looming over us. as far as my writing projects, i'm probably a liitle over half done with the manuscript of the memoir i've been working on, For Love of God and Beer: Adventures of a Schizophrenic Evangelical (to read where i'm going with it, check out www.godandbeer.com). i continue to be excited about the project, and have been motivated by the dozens of messages i've received from complete strangers, other disenfranchised evangelicals who have encouraged me to keep writing and are drawn to the honesty and authenticity with which i'm trying to write my story.
the other book project i'm working on is a novel called The Rain in Buena Vista. just before Christmas, i sent a newly-completed-for-the-fifth-time copy of the manuscript to my agent, Giles, in hope of being able to get something going with that. it's been fifteen years since i first started writing it.
the last two months have been ones of intense prayer and soul-searching over what to do with this next phase of my life. fortunately, dana has a very marketable skillset, and she had a banner year income-wise last year. but with me not contributing much income to the household budget due to my involvement in the writing and home improvement projects, we just barely survived the year financially. dana's starting a new position next week doing the same kind of work she has been doing, although she'll now be doing it working for someone else. while there's great long-term potential in her new job, things will remain tight for us in the short term.
i've been doing some freelance writing work over the last two years to try and supplement what dana's making, but it's not enough. i'm now in a situation of needing to make more money, but not knowing how to go about it. i have about a dozen different ideas for start-up ventures, but no clear direction on which, if any, i should pursue. the ideas run the gamut, from wanting to help donors with their giving to wanting to start an online magazine about faith to wanting to encourage wealthy people to lead the way in living sustainably to starting a brand of clothing using workers in poor countries who are paid a fair wage. on top of all those ideas, i also want to keep working on my own writing, but it won't produce an income for a long time, if ever.
As you can see, i'm in some serious need of some direction, at least vocationally. i've been praying like crazy, hoping that God will reveal what he wants me to do. i've been pursuing leads for jobs that i don't really want to do, recognizing that beggars can't be choosers and i should at least find some kind of way to make an income. but so far none of the jobs has panned out, and all i seem to be getting are closed doors. and then THIS happens (cut to close-up of a severed thumb in a bottle of formaldehyde), cutting my immediate options for employment to practically nothing.
God, what in the world is going on here? can't you please show me what you want me to do? isn't there some kind of sign you can show me? some kind of, i don't know, thumbnail or something?
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